I don't want to make this long, but, when is anything "short" for me? Here of recently, F and I have been getting along fantastically. Well, yesterday was our first court date kicking off this divorce. It was hard to say the least. I cried the whole time I was in that huge room with every other divorcing couple. Everything became "real" to me; that this was now the end. My stbx wasn't sure how he was supposed to react to me...he tried to console me like if we were still together and something outside was upsetting me. He made it even harder. This man soothed me always; he always took care of me, and now he's the one hurting me. He was trying to give advice to help me calm down, but I just kept thinking to myself "you're the one doing this to me! How dare you try to comfort me when you're the one causing this pain!!". When we found out we had 90 days before we would get our final decree, he told me that "a lot can happen in 90 days", and he asked the man we were speaking with if we could stop the process at any time. He was hugging me, holding me, touching me while trying to make me feel better, so all that combined with what he had told me made me think to myself that maybe he was having second thoughts. I know though that's not the case; he was just feeling emotional because I was feeling emotional, so he was trying to say things that would make me feel better, but he wasn't being sincere. That's a shitty thing to know.
Being in that room was a real slap in the face--that this is all going to happen. Really, really going to happen. Before, this whole thing was just a MAYBE piece of paper; a date far off in the distance, but now it's serious. One of the saddest things is that our final decree will be signed November 11. 11 days before we coulda, woulda, shoulda been celebrating our 8 year anniversary. How sad. I just wanted to talk about my feelings with F afterwards, but he couldn't and didn't want to say anything since he was going back to work. It just adds to how miserable I feel knowing that he is okay with this, and that he's accepted it. Why? I took that man for granted, and I regret with every fiber of my being that I did and that I will never get the chance to make right.
About the only good thing that has happened is that this has now become a wake up call. Him and I have been doing this power struggle back and forth for a while. He will get in control, but something will happen and I will take over his control. That's been the game for months now, and I am finally over it. We are going to "talk" tomorrow, and I let him know that now I am drawing the line between us. This divorce is either going to happen or it ain't, and something tells me it's gonna. I've been telling myself that him and I aren't done, and I really, truly do believe that. The relationship we've always had and that we continue to have, just doesn't make it believeable that we'll never be together again, but he is convinced that it's for the best. To avoid any more hurt I have decided, and I have told him, that if he cannot even just try to try, I need to totally shut him out of my life. I will drop off my kids at his door (no more hanging around his house like I usually do), and if we talk at all it'll have nothing to do with anything other than the kids. I just really need to let it go, AND stick to my guns about it. It'll be really hard, but my most useful mantra is "I will not die from this"--and I won't.
There's a lot of time between now and October 20th when all of our paperwork needs to be filed, so yes, anything can happen. But, if nothing's changed in 8 months, I can't imagine what could happen in 50 days.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I feel so damn hurt!
What started how I have felt today is really silly. It's all over an unanswered text message.
I was having such a hard time with the kids last night...I was overwhelmed, angry and tired, and I was unfortuntely not a very nice person to be around. I spoke oh so briefly with with F, and after telling him how bad of a mood I was in, he simply told me to put the kids to bed and lay down. For whatever reason, that was the first thing to bother me. Then I left him a long text message explaining how I couldn't put up with his mixed signals anymore, so I told him to stop contacting me. He didn't reply to that, which just added to the pissed off-ness. I told myself that he probably just didn't get the message, but when I spoke to him this morning, he told me he had read it, I got offended, and he sent me a couple text messages about how sorry he was. Other then that, he completely ignored me. He sent me a few pictures he took of me and the kids, called a few times, then sent me an email asking is I was ignorning him now. That led on to my going overboard with the email thing. To make things short, I again asked him to leave me alone; that he didn't know what the hell he wanted, and I was sick of my feelings being tossed around. All of this is because Labor Day I spent with him and our kids, and by how he treated me, you could've swore we were together. He says it's because of how we've been getting along that he now wants to spend more time with me. Unfortunately for him, the world doesn't work around him or his time table.
He finally called, and he told me he didn't know what to do about us. That he had to stay "true" to the fact that his feelings had changed toward the relationship, but he also had to respect what I asked of him. I feel like quite the fool; this whole time he has been dating this girl, while being married to me, and I stuck around and stuck around, with everyone looking at me like some kind of idiot. I told him that. I told him I was done looking stupid. I told him I was done with my feelings being played with, and that I wanted him to leave me alone.
He did sound sad about it; told me he would leave me alone unless it's an emergency, and he would only talk to me if I initiated a conversation. His reason for this was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore; that he didn't want to cause me anymore confusion and that he wanted my happiness. Why doesn't he understand that I'd be happy with him? Why doesn't he want to fight, or tell me he would leave his GF to make things work because it's important to him? I'm delusional. I'm angry. I'm hurt. In almost 8 years of knowing him, there has been less then a handful of days that I went without talking to him...tomorrow will be hard day, and so will the day after that and the day after that. I am sticking to my guns. I have made the promise to myself that I will not cave, and that I will restrict every and all communication. He wanted the girlfriend and he wanted the divorce...he can no longer say that I never gave him anything.
I was having such a hard time with the kids last night...I was overwhelmed, angry and tired, and I was unfortuntely not a very nice person to be around. I spoke oh so briefly with with F, and after telling him how bad of a mood I was in, he simply told me to put the kids to bed and lay down. For whatever reason, that was the first thing to bother me. Then I left him a long text message explaining how I couldn't put up with his mixed signals anymore, so I told him to stop contacting me. He didn't reply to that, which just added to the pissed off-ness. I told myself that he probably just didn't get the message, but when I spoke to him this morning, he told me he had read it, I got offended, and he sent me a couple text messages about how sorry he was. Other then that, he completely ignored me. He sent me a few pictures he took of me and the kids, called a few times, then sent me an email asking is I was ignorning him now. That led on to my going overboard with the email thing. To make things short, I again asked him to leave me alone; that he didn't know what the hell he wanted, and I was sick of my feelings being tossed around. All of this is because Labor Day I spent with him and our kids, and by how he treated me, you could've swore we were together. He says it's because of how we've been getting along that he now wants to spend more time with me. Unfortunately for him, the world doesn't work around him or his time table.
He finally called, and he told me he didn't know what to do about us. That he had to stay "true" to the fact that his feelings had changed toward the relationship, but he also had to respect what I asked of him. I feel like quite the fool; this whole time he has been dating this girl, while being married to me, and I stuck around and stuck around, with everyone looking at me like some kind of idiot. I told him that. I told him I was done looking stupid. I told him I was done with my feelings being played with, and that I wanted him to leave me alone.
He did sound sad about it; told me he would leave me alone unless it's an emergency, and he would only talk to me if I initiated a conversation. His reason for this was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore; that he didn't want to cause me anymore confusion and that he wanted my happiness. Why doesn't he understand that I'd be happy with him? Why doesn't he want to fight, or tell me he would leave his GF to make things work because it's important to him? I'm delusional. I'm angry. I'm hurt. In almost 8 years of knowing him, there has been less then a handful of days that I went without talking to him...tomorrow will be hard day, and so will the day after that and the day after that. I am sticking to my guns. I have made the promise to myself that I will not cave, and that I will restrict every and all communication. He wanted the girlfriend and he wanted the divorce...he can no longer say that I never gave him anything.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
My first post (here, anyway)
There's a lot between Frank (who I will lovingly refer to as STBX [soon-to-be-ex] or simply F) and I, and it's all just too much to try to write in a way that anyone would have the stamina to read. We met when I was 15 and he was 18/19, and I found out was pregnant on my 16th birthday. Wonderful Sweet 16, right?! In my last month of pregnancy, F traveled out of state to sell some weed (a winner, yeah?) and had gotten into trouble with the law for about anything the tiny little government in Kansas could charge him with. He was looking at a lot of time; 3-5 years in prison seeing as he already had quite the record, especially there in KS. Part of him getting out of the deal was for him to join the Army, so in January of '02, that's what he did. He resented so badly that he had to miss out on our daughter's early months, but we had a family plan that was going to put put us on a great path courtesy of a new military life. Now, we'll go to Christmas of '02: due to numerous things, my daughter was back here in CO with my mom, and F's battalion was denied holiday leave. We had decided that I would go home to spend the holiday with family, and I would return back to the base in OK with our beautiful baby. Unfortunately, while I was back home I started to run around with old friends, bringing back into my life old troubles. I cheated on my husband not once, but twice. He found out, and it caused him an understandable pain, and because of the severe depression that developed as a result, he was honorably discharged from the Army. By the time he came back, we were obviously separated, and that continued for several months. During that time, we lived separate lives; he dated, I dated, and we only met up when he decided he felt like coming to my house to see our daughter. Over time, we found ourselves spending more time with each other, and by September of that same year, we were back together living in the trailer his momma bought for him. Classy, I know. We lived there about 2 years, and after our family vacation to TX, we found out I was pregnant in September of '05, and in May of '06, our little Jr was born. I absolutely believe that the added stress of another mouth to feed, that we were in no shape prepared for, was why we ended up where we are today.
There was no way we could have 2 kids while living in a 2 bedroom trailer, so we moved into my childhood home that my mom had literally just moved out of. That home just had a weird vibe to it, and I truly think that unknown forces and residual anger in that place also helped to wedge us apart. OK, let's move on again to March of '07-I met a guy thru a friend of mine that I somehow carried a secret relationship with for about a month. By that time I had started to develop whatever feelings you could with someone in that amount of time, and out of my own confusion, I asked my husband for yet another separation. He moved in with a friend of his who we eventually found out had a psychotic girlfriend who would threaten to shoot up the house every time the friend pissed her off. Once I found out just the seriousness of this woman, I did not want my husband or my kids in a home that was unsafe, so for a few nights a week, F would stay the night with me, and after a few weeks, we decided to try to make things work again. Obviously by this time I had stopped talking to the other guy, and even to this day I thank God I didn't continue anything with him. Frank still has no idea about this guy, and I have absolutely no intentions of telling him anytime soon. Well, he wouldn't be moving in with me, but instead he would be moving in with me into my mom's house with her and my younger brother. Yeah, those living arrangements didn't help one bit.
After 7 months of unnecessary stress, F and I decided we needed to separate in the beginning of the year. We agreed upon this around the holidays, and we agreed that it was probably long term; that it was most likely the end of the marriage. That was indeed the ultimate demise of our marriage, and that agreement was by far one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We made that agreement under anger and stress, and it was not the best time to make a decision of such magnitude. Now it's January of '08-he has moved in with another friend, and I am still living with only my mom now. Things are great for me by now. I'm able to go out with friends all the time, and I am simply enjoying a freedom I had never gotten to experience before. I still tho carried myself as a married woman, and that's why what he had done hurt the most. You see when we first separated, he had a bit of change of heart. Man, he tried always to make us work again; not in an obvious way, but he would always want us to eat dinner together or do things together, with him having the hopes that I would see what I was missing and I'd want him back. Well I didn't. I was terribly confused with what I wanted, and out of that I denied him so I wouldn't send him any mixed signals. No hugs, no kisses-NOTHING. I treated him like absolute garbage, and now I have such a great sense of remorse and self anger that is unexplainable because of it. Slowly he became more distant; no more invitations for dinner, no more wanting to go on family outings, but I didn't notice because we really were getting along with each other very nicely, in a way we never had. Then one day during a phone conversation, he told me he was letting me go and letting me move on. I felt a sense of relief that I was going to finally get some peace from him, but I didn't know at what price.
It's now March of '08, and he is out with his roommate, brother and our kids at the zoo--or so I thought. I called and I called all day and he didn't answer once and I didn't get a single phone call. I was sincerely worried about him, but after about the 100th call he finally answered but was very brief, and told me he would call when he got home. I didn't think anything of it, and I had no reason to, until a night that my daughter unintentionally told me the truth. While watching TV, the show we were watching was showcasing peacocks. My daughter educated me about the females; that they were brown and not colorful, and she knew that because her and Miss Alissa had seen them at the zoo. Initially I was angry beyond words-I frantically called up my stbx, and after much grilling, he finally admitted that he took the kids to the zoo with his new female friend. She "had to give them a ride there" because he had no license because he was awaiting charges on his 2nd DUI. Oh, and he was so nice in doing that because she had never been to the zoo, so he took it upon himself to take her. At that very moment, I think anyone within a wide distance could hear my world crumble. That was 7/8 months ago, and so much has happened in between. She has his car parked in her garage for as long as he can't drive it, and she is also caring for his 2 dogs-one of which was the dog we had bought as a puppy long before I was pregnant with my son. I of course only found all that out after catching him in lies about them.
So here we are--like I said, a lot has happened since then. I acted like a complete lunatic out of anger and hurt, and he acted like a complete jack off because of my lunacy and, you know, his moving on and all. At first, I threatened many a times with divorce all in the hopes it would change his mind. It never did, altho he let it be known he wasn't ready for it; that things were not that far gone between us. Then one day he really pissed me off...he rejected me again, but my heart just couldn't take it anymore. I printed out divorce paperwork, signed them, had my signature notarized, and I dropped off the papers at his house with his room mate. I let him know the next day that it was up to him with whether or not he filed, and do you know what he did? He filed!! And he called me that day to let me know that he filed, but he put it in the same sentence that he said he was running errands in. Here we are now. He is fine and dandy with the divorce, and wants it over with ASAP. His feelings about the marriage have changed so much that he's now convinced there's no going back. He is now exclusively dating Miss Alissa, as they have been for a while, and we are somehow maintaining a cordial, friendly relationship.
We love each other greatly, and we both acknowledge the bond that we have will probably bring us back together, but for now he is done. It's taken a long time for me to get to the level of confidence I feel now, but I do have my fair share of days where it seems like laying in bed crying my eyeballs out is more appealing then living life. He sends crazy mixed signals. He is confused deep down, but he feels quite sure that his choice to end things was the right one; maybe he's right, I just don't want to admit it. Yesterday, he is holding my hand, winking at me, hugging me, kissing me-touching me. Usually the guy avoids me like the plague, and here he was actually taking the initiative to touch me. But comes today-he didn't call me and ignored the 1 email I sent him. I picked up my kids and asked him what the deal was, and he simply told me he would stop being nice to me in that way he just "can't help how he is attracted to me", and that since he was dating this girl, he could no longer involve her in our problems. Sure; whatever dude. Tonight has been rough, and my kids have had a run of the house because I've just been to depressed to actually be a parent. I know I have to drop him and the marriage, and I know I am going to have to force it. Today is Tuesday, and on Thursday we have our first court day to get this divorce rolling. I'm sad, anxious, and depressed about this, when he could care less.
Anyway, it's bath time, and I have my whole work day to blog again, which I intend on doing.
There was no way we could have 2 kids while living in a 2 bedroom trailer, so we moved into my childhood home that my mom had literally just moved out of. That home just had a weird vibe to it, and I truly think that unknown forces and residual anger in that place also helped to wedge us apart. OK, let's move on again to March of '07-I met a guy thru a friend of mine that I somehow carried a secret relationship with for about a month. By that time I had started to develop whatever feelings you could with someone in that amount of time, and out of my own confusion, I asked my husband for yet another separation. He moved in with a friend of his who we eventually found out had a psychotic girlfriend who would threaten to shoot up the house every time the friend pissed her off. Once I found out just the seriousness of this woman, I did not want my husband or my kids in a home that was unsafe, so for a few nights a week, F would stay the night with me, and after a few weeks, we decided to try to make things work again. Obviously by this time I had stopped talking to the other guy, and even to this day I thank God I didn't continue anything with him. Frank still has no idea about this guy, and I have absolutely no intentions of telling him anytime soon. Well, he wouldn't be moving in with me, but instead he would be moving in with me into my mom's house with her and my younger brother. Yeah, those living arrangements didn't help one bit.
After 7 months of unnecessary stress, F and I decided we needed to separate in the beginning of the year. We agreed upon this around the holidays, and we agreed that it was probably long term; that it was most likely the end of the marriage. That was indeed the ultimate demise of our marriage, and that agreement was by far one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We made that agreement under anger and stress, and it was not the best time to make a decision of such magnitude. Now it's January of '08-he has moved in with another friend, and I am still living with only my mom now. Things are great for me by now. I'm able to go out with friends all the time, and I am simply enjoying a freedom I had never gotten to experience before. I still tho carried myself as a married woman, and that's why what he had done hurt the most. You see when we first separated, he had a bit of change of heart. Man, he tried always to make us work again; not in an obvious way, but he would always want us to eat dinner together or do things together, with him having the hopes that I would see what I was missing and I'd want him back. Well I didn't. I was terribly confused with what I wanted, and out of that I denied him so I wouldn't send him any mixed signals. No hugs, no kisses-NOTHING. I treated him like absolute garbage, and now I have such a great sense of remorse and self anger that is unexplainable because of it. Slowly he became more distant; no more invitations for dinner, no more wanting to go on family outings, but I didn't notice because we really were getting along with each other very nicely, in a way we never had. Then one day during a phone conversation, he told me he was letting me go and letting me move on. I felt a sense of relief that I was going to finally get some peace from him, but I didn't know at what price.
It's now March of '08, and he is out with his roommate, brother and our kids at the zoo--or so I thought. I called and I called all day and he didn't answer once and I didn't get a single phone call. I was sincerely worried about him, but after about the 100th call he finally answered but was very brief, and told me he would call when he got home. I didn't think anything of it, and I had no reason to, until a night that my daughter unintentionally told me the truth. While watching TV, the show we were watching was showcasing peacocks. My daughter educated me about the females; that they were brown and not colorful, and she knew that because her and Miss Alissa had seen them at the zoo. Initially I was angry beyond words-I frantically called up my stbx, and after much grilling, he finally admitted that he took the kids to the zoo with his new female friend. She "had to give them a ride there" because he had no license because he was awaiting charges on his 2nd DUI. Oh, and he was so nice in doing that because she had never been to the zoo, so he took it upon himself to take her. At that very moment, I think anyone within a wide distance could hear my world crumble. That was 7/8 months ago, and so much has happened in between. She has his car parked in her garage for as long as he can't drive it, and she is also caring for his 2 dogs-one of which was the dog we had bought as a puppy long before I was pregnant with my son. I of course only found all that out after catching him in lies about them.
So here we are--like I said, a lot has happened since then. I acted like a complete lunatic out of anger and hurt, and he acted like a complete jack off because of my lunacy and, you know, his moving on and all. At first, I threatened many a times with divorce all in the hopes it would change his mind. It never did, altho he let it be known he wasn't ready for it; that things were not that far gone between us. Then one day he really pissed me off...he rejected me again, but my heart just couldn't take it anymore. I printed out divorce paperwork, signed them, had my signature notarized, and I dropped off the papers at his house with his room mate. I let him know the next day that it was up to him with whether or not he filed, and do you know what he did? He filed!! And he called me that day to let me know that he filed, but he put it in the same sentence that he said he was running errands in. Here we are now. He is fine and dandy with the divorce, and wants it over with ASAP. His feelings about the marriage have changed so much that he's now convinced there's no going back. He is now exclusively dating Miss Alissa, as they have been for a while, and we are somehow maintaining a cordial, friendly relationship.
We love each other greatly, and we both acknowledge the bond that we have will probably bring us back together, but for now he is done. It's taken a long time for me to get to the level of confidence I feel now, but I do have my fair share of days where it seems like laying in bed crying my eyeballs out is more appealing then living life. He sends crazy mixed signals. He is confused deep down, but he feels quite sure that his choice to end things was the right one; maybe he's right, I just don't want to admit it. Yesterday, he is holding my hand, winking at me, hugging me, kissing me-touching me. Usually the guy avoids me like the plague, and here he was actually taking the initiative to touch me. But comes today-he didn't call me and ignored the 1 email I sent him. I picked up my kids and asked him what the deal was, and he simply told me he would stop being nice to me in that way he just "can't help how he is attracted to me", and that since he was dating this girl, he could no longer involve her in our problems. Sure; whatever dude. Tonight has been rough, and my kids have had a run of the house because I've just been to depressed to actually be a parent. I know I have to drop him and the marriage, and I know I am going to have to force it. Today is Tuesday, and on Thursday we have our first court day to get this divorce rolling. I'm sad, anxious, and depressed about this, when he could care less.
Anyway, it's bath time, and I have my whole work day to blog again, which I intend on doing.
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