I don't want to make this long, but, when is anything "short" for me? Here of recently, F and I have been getting along fantastically. Well, yesterday was our first court date kicking off this divorce. It was hard to say the least. I cried the whole time I was in that huge room with every other divorcing couple. Everything became "real" to me; that this was now the end. My stbx wasn't sure how he was supposed to react to me...he tried to console me like if we were still together and something outside was upsetting me. He made it even harder. This man soothed me always; he always took care of me, and now he's the one hurting me. He was trying to give advice to help me calm down, but I just kept thinking to myself "you're the one doing this to me! How dare you try to comfort me when you're the one causing this pain!!". When we found out we had 90 days before we would get our final decree, he told me that "a lot can happen in 90 days", and he asked the man we were speaking with if we could stop the process at any time. He was hugging me, holding me, touching me while trying to make me feel better, so all that combined with what he had told me made me think to myself that maybe he was having second thoughts. I know though that's not the case; he was just feeling emotional because I was feeling emotional, so he was trying to say things that would make me feel better, but he wasn't being sincere. That's a shitty thing to know.
Being in that room was a real slap in the face--that this is all going to happen. Really, really going to happen. Before, this whole thing was just a MAYBE piece of paper; a date far off in the distance, but now it's serious. One of the saddest things is that our final decree will be signed November 11. 11 days before we coulda, woulda, shoulda been celebrating our 8 year anniversary. How sad. I just wanted to talk about my feelings with F afterwards, but he couldn't and didn't want to say anything since he was going back to work. It just adds to how miserable I feel knowing that he is okay with this, and that he's accepted it. Why? I took that man for granted, and I regret with every fiber of my being that I did and that I will never get the chance to make right.
About the only good thing that has happened is that this has now become a wake up call. Him and I have been doing this power struggle back and forth for a while. He will get in control, but something will happen and I will take over his control. That's been the game for months now, and I am finally over it. We are going to "talk" tomorrow, and I let him know that now I am drawing the line between us. This divorce is either going to happen or it ain't, and something tells me it's gonna. I've been telling myself that him and I aren't done, and I really, truly do believe that. The relationship we've always had and that we continue to have, just doesn't make it believeable that we'll never be together again, but he is convinced that it's for the best. To avoid any more hurt I have decided, and I have told him, that if he cannot even just try to try, I need to totally shut him out of my life. I will drop off my kids at his door (no more hanging around his house like I usually do), and if we talk at all it'll have nothing to do with anything other than the kids. I just really need to let it go, AND stick to my guns about it. It'll be really hard, but my most useful mantra is "I will not die from this"--and I won't.
There's a lot of time between now and October 20th when all of our paperwork needs to be filed, so yes, anything can happen. But, if nothing's changed in 8 months, I can't imagine what could happen in 50 days.
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Everyday something seems to happen between my STBX and I-sometimes something big, most times hardly noticable. Every bit of feeling that I have, or anything that may happen, I plan on putting here for the world to see.
