Tailspin

Today...is not a good day. It's quite depressing actually; but only for me, and that's the problem.

I've laid in bed all day, only having the motivation to shower, dress and start 2 loads of laundry. Sundays are usually pretty dull and uneventful anyway, but today is much more sad for whatever reason. Probably because it's his birthday weekend. He went out Friday and Saturday, casting aside his "daddy time" in order to go out, and probably with his girlfriend at his side. This morning I sent him a text that only said "Happy Birthday" - almost 2 hours later I get a text back saying Thank You, so I sent him one back saying to call me should the kids and him get bored. That was 5 hours ago, and I didn't get anything back. This all leads me of course to why I feel how I do now.

Why doesn't he care? Why isn't he as sad as I am? Why does he get to find someone and move on while I'm stuck not meeting a soul...or at least a soul worth my time? Why do I have to hurt while he lives his new life without me? Why can't he even have the decensy to send a simple text back? Does he really not care that much? I'm sure he makes time for his girlfriend. It hurts to remember how close we used to be, and see now how he no longer cares. He used to put me on a distorted little pedastool, but not anymore. Now I'm only a convenience. I'm only talked to or interacted with or touched when it's convenient. Ugh. That hurts like no other. The divorce will be final in 1 week...I asked him when I was dropping of our kids if he had thought about how close it was, and he tells me no. Of course. I've been telling myself that once things are final, this loss will hit him, but now, maybe not. He's got his stupid little lady friend; he has NO reason to stop and think. I'm sure the day will come, but I'm also sure that'll happen when I no longer care. I know that time will be the only thing that will tell what will happen between us, but I'm SO sick of waiting on time. "Time" doesn't help when today I am suffering.

I know of how miserable I was a year ago. I remember how badly I wanted out, and how quickly I did. I also know how much I didn't give thought to the importance of my marriage or how blessed I was to have my husband and family. I know how crappy he was while we were together. He was absent for everything; he would always invite his own friends to everything before he did me. I always had to ask him to be involved in our family. He never helped around the house. He never showed interest in me or who I wanted to be. His maturity was lacking, and continues to, and while he relies on everyone but himself, he always has a damn excuse for it...and every thing else. He wasn't the best of husbands; I can't even really say we were friends. I wouldn't be surprised is he didn't know some of my little personality quirks or my favorites after being with me for almost 8 years, while I know all of his. It makes me so angry. I know all of that, but I still miss him. It's hard to just walk away from several years, at least for me, and at the end of the day, we loved each other. We were partners in life, we might as well have read each others minds we were so close. I'm afraid I will not find a relationship like that again in my life.

I know I need to have no contact with him. Hell, he has already chosen it with me...he rarely calls or texts or shows any interest in my life. Not involving him with any part of my life but our children is what I need to do, and I know that. I'm afraid not talking to him after he says goodnight to the kids will hurt his feelings. I'm afraid not responding to his texts or leaving quickly after exchanging the kids will hurt him or push him even closer to his girlfriend, but why? Why should I care about his feelings when my own are non-existant to him? Why should I be concerned with whether or not he gets closer to her when he's already there? Laying in bed for several hours of the day can lead for many thoughts to go thru your mind. This was one that circulated many times in my brain. I'm no longer going to allow myself to feel bad for his own feelings when he shows no regard for mine. Shit, hearing some of the crap that coes out of his mouth just leaving me in awe, thinking to myself "did you really just day that? Did that just come out of your mouth?" I just cannot believe his way of thinking, which leaves me back to assumng that things will not just hit him. Things will not out of the blue make sense to him. I'm waiting on 8:30 to come around so that when I call my kids I will simply hang up when I'm done instead of waiting for him so I can say goodnight, and get the "I love you" bone thrown my way by him. It will be hard, but I must do it; I have to not take it personally when he doesn't call because it is for the best. I guess like it is the saying some times the right thing to do isn't the easiest applies to this. I can do it...hopefully!

My first appointment with a counselor is coming up this Tuesday, and tho I know it's a little late, I guess it's better than never. I just need someone to help me understand how I feel than give me ways to deal with it. I'm looking very forward to the appointment.

So I guess I'll have to continue to wait and see how the next week will go. The last week of my being married, even if to a poor excuse for a husband. I'm sad because I know most definitely after every thing is final, I will have no desire to contact or interact with him. It will hurt like a living hell, but it hurts more to try to hang on to a non-existant relationship. I heard a great saying from someone that pertained to a situation like mine; I can either let go of this or get dragged by it. I hate this being dragged thing.