My first post (here, anyway)

There's a lot between Frank (who I will lovingly refer to as STBX [soon-to-be-ex] or simply F) and I, and it's all just too much to try to write in a way that anyone would have the stamina to read. We met when I was 15 and he was 18/19, and I found out was pregnant on my 16th birthday. Wonderful Sweet 16, right?! In my last month of pregnancy, F traveled out of state to sell some weed (a winner, yeah?) and had gotten into trouble with the law for about anything the tiny little government in Kansas could charge him with. He was looking at a lot of time; 3-5 years in prison seeing as he already had quite the record, especially there in KS. Part of him getting out of the deal was for him to join the Army, so in January of '02, that's what he did. He resented so badly that he had to miss out on our daughter's early months, but we had a family plan that was going to put put us on a great path courtesy of a new military life. Now, we'll go to Christmas of '02: due to numerous things, my daughter was back here in CO with my mom, and F's battalion was denied holiday leave. We had decided that I would go home to spend the holiday with family, and I would return back to the base in OK with our beautiful baby. Unfortunately, while I was back home I started to run around with old friends, bringing back into my life old troubles. I cheated on my husband not once, but twice. He found out, and it caused him an understandable pain, and because of the severe depression that developed as a result, he was honorably discharged from the Army. By the time he came back, we were obviously separated, and that continued for several months. During that time, we lived separate lives; he dated, I dated, and we only met up when he decided he felt like coming to my house to see our daughter. Over time, we found ourselves spending more time with each other, and by September of that same year, we were back together living in the trailer his momma bought for him. Classy, I know. We lived there about 2 years, and after our family vacation to TX, we found out I was pregnant in September of '05, and in May of '06, our little Jr was born. I absolutely believe that the added stress of another mouth to feed, that we were in no shape prepared for, was why we ended up where we are today.

There was no way we could have 2 kids while living in a 2 bedroom trailer, so we moved into my childhood home that my mom had literally just moved out of. That home just had a weird vibe to it, and I truly think that unknown forces and residual anger in that place also helped to wedge us apart. OK, let's move on again to March of '07-I met a guy thru a friend of mine that I somehow carried a secret relationship with for about a month. By that time I had started to develop whatever feelings you could with someone in that amount of time, and out of my own confusion, I asked my husband for yet another separation. He moved in with a friend of his who we eventually found out had a psychotic girlfriend who would threaten to shoot up the house every time the friend pissed her off. Once I found out just the seriousness of this woman, I did not want my husband or my kids in a home that was unsafe, so for a few nights a week, F would stay the night with me, and after a few weeks, we decided to try to make things work again. Obviously by this time I had stopped talking to the other guy, and even to this day I thank God I didn't continue anything with him. Frank still has no idea about this guy, and I have absolutely no intentions of telling him anytime soon. Well, he wouldn't be moving in with me, but instead he would be moving in with me into my mom's house with her and my younger brother. Yeah, those living arrangements didn't help one bit.

After 7 months of unnecessary stress, F and I decided we needed to separate in the beginning of the year. We agreed upon this around the holidays, and we agreed that it was probably long term; that it was most likely the end of the marriage. That was indeed the ultimate demise of our marriage, and that agreement was by far one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We made that agreement under anger and stress, and it was not the best time to make a decision of such magnitude. Now it's January of '08-he has moved in with another friend, and I am still living with only my mom now. Things are great for me by now. I'm able to go out with friends all the time, and I am simply enjoying a freedom I had never gotten to experience before. I still tho carried myself as a married woman, and that's why what he had done hurt the most. You see when we first separated, he had a bit of change of heart. Man, he tried always to make us work again; not in an obvious way, but he would always want us to eat dinner together or do things together, with him having the hopes that I would see what I was missing and I'd want him back. Well I didn't. I was terribly confused with what I wanted, and out of that I denied him so I wouldn't send him any mixed signals. No hugs, no kisses-NOTHING. I treated him like absolute garbage, and now I have such a great sense of remorse and self anger that is unexplainable because of it. Slowly he became more distant; no more invitations for dinner, no more wanting to go on family outings, but I didn't notice because we really were getting along with each other very nicely, in a way we never had. Then one day during a phone conversation, he told me he was letting me go and letting me move on. I felt a sense of relief that I was going to finally get some peace from him, but I didn't know at what price.

It's now March of '08, and he is out with his roommate, brother and our kids at the zoo--or so I thought. I called and I called all day and he didn't answer once and I didn't get a single phone call. I was sincerely worried about him, but after about the 100th call he finally answered but was very brief, and told me he would call when he got home. I didn't think anything of it, and I had no reason to, until a night that my daughter unintentionally told me the truth. While watching TV, the show we were watching was showcasing peacocks. My daughter educated me about the females; that they were brown and not colorful, and she knew that because her and Miss Alissa had seen them at the zoo. Initially I was angry beyond words-I frantically called up my stbx, and after much grilling, he finally admitted that he took the kids to the zoo with his new female friend. She "had to give them a ride there" because he had no license because he was awaiting charges on his 2nd DUI. Oh, and he was so nice in doing that because she had never been to the zoo, so he took it upon himself to take her. At that very moment, I think anyone within a wide distance could hear my world crumble. That was 7/8 months ago, and so much has happened in between. She has his car parked in her garage for as long as he can't drive it, and she is also caring for his 2 dogs-one of which was the dog we had bought as a puppy long before I was pregnant with my son. I of course only found all that out after catching him in lies about them.

So here we are--like I said, a lot has happened since then. I acted like a complete lunatic out of anger and hurt, and he acted like a complete jack off because of my lunacy and, you know, his moving on and all. At first, I threatened many a times with divorce all in the hopes it would change his mind. It never did, altho he let it be known he wasn't ready for it; that things were not that far gone between us. Then one day he really pissed me off...he rejected me again, but my heart just couldn't take it anymore. I printed out divorce paperwork, signed them, had my signature notarized, and I dropped off the papers at his house with his room mate. I let him know the next day that it was up to him with whether or not he filed, and do you know what he did? He filed!! And he called me that day to let me know that he filed, but he put it in the same sentence that he said he was running errands in. Here we are now. He is fine and dandy with the divorce, and wants it over with ASAP. His feelings about the marriage have changed so much that he's now convinced there's no going back. He is now exclusively dating Miss Alissa, as they have been for a while, and we are somehow maintaining a cordial, friendly relationship.

We love each other greatly, and we both acknowledge the bond that we have will probably bring us back together, but for now he is done. It's taken a long time for me to get to the level of confidence I feel now, but I do have my fair share of days where it seems like laying in bed crying my eyeballs out is more appealing then living life. He sends crazy mixed signals. He is confused deep down, but he feels quite sure that his choice to end things was the right one; maybe he's right, I just don't want to admit it. Yesterday, he is holding my hand, winking at me, hugging me, kissing me-touching me. Usually the guy avoids me like the plague, and here he was actually taking the initiative to touch me. But comes today-he didn't call me and ignored the 1 email I sent him. I picked up my kids and asked him what the deal was, and he simply told me he would stop being nice to me in that way he just "can't help how he is attracted to me", and that since he was dating this girl, he could no longer involve her in our problems. Sure; whatever dude. Tonight has been rough, and my kids have had a run of the house because I've just been to depressed to actually be a parent. I know I have to drop him and the marriage, and I know I am going to have to force it. Today is Tuesday, and on Thursday we have our first court day to get this divorce rolling. I'm sad, anxious, and depressed about this, when he could care less.

Anyway, it's bath time, and I have my whole work day to blog again, which I intend on doing.